So while I was praying yesterday in my intensive, Proverbs 17 came to mind, and I had never read it before but I went and looked afterwards and shocking, it was exactly what I needed to read. Hence the title of my blog (from the chapter).
So, the intensive...well it's not the best honestly. Though, insert my heart lighting up when the video we watched at the end of the day was none other than a tour of the Holy Land. Also, insert a deep sigh! The things that we were talking about was not being adequate and the question of "How badly do we want to follow Jesus?". If I took that question back to the me that was in Israel in 2007, I would have done absolutely anything, it was a zeal and fire for the Lord that was and is unlike any I had ever experienced. Since then, the closest I have come to that feeling is Africa this past summer. I KNOW that God is everywhere, and in everything, but why don't I always feel that way? I don't know. As boring as some parts of this intensive are, I have thoroughly enjoyed my Christ focused time. I wouldn't change having to be here and do this. I know that God is using this and using me and not knowing his point yet is fine with me. From a few weeks ago, I am still able to rely on his timing and not mine. He is still providing me patience. That is all I can ask for.
A favorite of mine, Larry Crabb, was on a video and here are some little nuggets of knowledge that he had to say:
~The doubt I'm having might not be an enemy of faith, but an avenue for deepening faith
~We really think we are talking to Someone
~ I'm dry and there is supposed to be water in me, God wants to feed/fill my soul
~ We have become a community of pretenders who then are required to be distant to maintain the pretense
For better or worse I am here. And I will use my time appropriately (yes, I consider blogging appropriate) On to other things...
I had the best Thursday night this week. Ash, Chris, and I drove to Athens to have dinner with Chris and Daryn and it was just such a great time. I shall only relay 2 of the best parts of the night on this medium. 1st being that Chris (BIL) was talking about something and essentially says, "I mean we are the coolest people I know, and it's unfortunate how many uncool people there are out there." He did have some choice words that don't need to be written, but it was hilarious, and yet so true. I love that the coolest people I know, I'm related to. My siblings and I are so different and yet in some ways we are the same people in different ages and genders. It's really the coolest thing in my life (besides JC). It also extends beyond me and into my precious dog, cause she is really cool too, just sayin.
My sweet family
The 2nd thing was a conversation I was having with Chris (brother) and he was recalling a conversation with our aunt and how they were talking about me and my aunt said THE nicest thing anyone has ever said about me and it made me so humbled. So they were talking and she said that she had enjoyed getting to know me more than anyone she has ever known in her life, and that I was such a complicated person with depth. WOW! Like whole life? Me? Hmm...I don't know what to think about this. Well, I'm still thinking on it. My first thought was that's not really true and she was just trying to be nice. My second thought was that I need to not think things like the first thought and to take for what it was, a compliment. Side note: I think the huh factor of the comment is that she REALLY knows me, I know this. She knows things that the majority of people don't, things that I try to hide from others, and yet she still said it. Anyways...I used to have a really really hard time taking compliments and my mom called me out on it. She told me that no matter what I think about what was said, I need to be able to receive them from other people and to just say thank you, because if nothing else then I am grateful that someone thinks whatever they said. I digress into a tangent. That was my Thursday night, but let me get to my Thursday afternoon.
Thursday is therapy day. A day that I love, and that I look forward to. At the same time though, it is hard work and I don't always enjoy working hard (there, I said it). Sometimes I think there is no need for me to go because I'm fine and I could live in this state I am in for my entire life and be FINE. Yes, that is true. What is also true is that I don't want to be just fine. I want to be more than that. What is 'more than that', you ask? I don't know, but just go with it. So alas, I always go to therapy even when I don't necessarily want to. So I kinda went in with a few things from the previous week that I had been thinking about, and one of them being my boundaries with friends. Something that A told me was that it didn't seem to be as much about my boundaries of keeping other people in their right place, but having appropriate boundaries with my internal self. I have this urge to always tell people everything. I want to be an authentic person and sometimes that translates into letting too many people know too many things. Don't get me wrong, I think transparency is great, but I don't protect my stuff. Through the hour and 15 minutes (because we ran over per usual) we met, it also became obvious how hard I work at keeping relationships in the way that I want them, and more times than not I take on other people's unhappy feelings towards me. And if someone is the least bit unhappy with me (through no wrong doing on my part) I work at making sure it doesn't stay that way. It just so happens there was an example that day of my doing that, so it figured that it would come up. These things are not to be complaints or needing a pat on the back, but more so just observations, and the question of why? Well obviously there wasn't enough time to tackle the major why in my life, but A gave me some advice on watching myself and noticing my need to give myself and any anxiety that comes prior or post to said giving. So there! Therapy Thursday. I know that I didn't really expand on much, and that is on purpose. It's an experiment. Go with it.
Last but not least...
I am leaving in 5 days...me just writing that gave me butterflies in the tum! The good kind, the excited, nervous kind that I love. I am ready (not in the packing, done with school work sense), but in the mental, internal sense. I have been praying that God would prepare my heart and that I would be willing and able to do what I need/want to there. So there it is...I'm ready. There are parts of me that are scared (not for my safety) for what will be seen, heard, and experienced there. I think that is all I should write for now, I have more to say but this post is long enough already. Our trip is being commissioned tomorrow at Church, happy about that.
So, I'm done now.
"He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.