Thursday, September 2, 2010

"Show me what I'm looking for"

So I haven't had much time since school started to write about it but it is going really well. I can safely say that the amount of reading we are supposed to be doing is not even possible but I am trying very hard to keep up. It helps that I actually like what I'm reading generally. I love all my classes, even my least favorite is interesting. I am becoming so much more aware of myself in the classes. I kind of feel like a different person than when I was in undergrad, which is true because I am definitely different just from getting back from Africa. I realized about myself that I can really do anything that I want and shouldn't be nervous or anxious about it because those are pretty useless emotions that don't help me out in the long run.

In my interpersonal class we have to get up in front of the class every time and counsel or at least "attend" to our other classmates. It was actually more nerve racking to sit quietly in front of another student talking about their problem and not say anything than it was to try and respond. I really fashioned myself as a great listener and I do think that in comparison I do have better listening skills than some people, but I still have a lot to learn. I found myself itching to say something to the girl, and that's just not my job as a therapist. It is mostly, if not all, about listening to them and reacting/reflecting back to them. Not about my thoughts or feelings or advice on the matter. Good lessons learned already, and I can say that I would have been a crappy counselor before 2 weeks ago! I have already learned so much, even if it is just to be present with the person and listen to them! Funny that those are the essential skills that lay the groundwork for actual counseling, who would have thought?!?

I just love being there. I don't know that I can say that enough. I don't mean to be all like, "oh my, how great is my life." Because I am also simultaneously freaking out inside about what I'm learning and what is continuously expected of me in this program. If nothing else, I have never before had such conflicting feelings of happiness and terror. I don't use terror lightly because that is actually a feeling that I was feeling last week. Like I literally had these thoughts run through my head at least 8 times last week; "they must have been terribly mistaken to have let me into this program", "I am a fake, and they will realize it soon", "everyone else has their stuff together and I am the only one that feels like I have no clue what is going on." In all liklihood I am not the only person thinking those things but that offers me very little solace because it's all about what things 'seem' rather than what they really are. Those statements are my truth right now, even if in actuality they are not true. All that being said, I'm still happy doing what I'm doing :)

I'm also really happy because a lot of times after college you don't necessarily get many chances to meet new people and I have found myself recently meeting so many people, mostly through school but also we had 3 new girls join small group and I love each one of them already. Right now, that fact is the best and worst part of life. I love that I am meeting new people that I want to be friends with, but at the same time I barely have time to keep up with my 'old' friends and get everything done that I need to. That is quite the problem to have I'm aware but a problem nonetheless. I am realizing though that I don't have to be friends with them all asap. I will be in school with these people for the next two years and as far as I know I will be in small group with these girls for the foreseeable future so there is really no rush in that department.

That is pretty much the recap that I can come up with. I have been going out of town a lot recently and while it is really fun stuff, I am very excited for staying home next weekend! As for this weekend I will be headed to Athens/the lake for some family fun time in the sun :)

Until next time...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Phil 4:6

1 comment:

  1. I am so happy you've learned one of, I think, the most valuable lessons...that you can do anything and fear and anxiety are useless emotions. This is going to empower you so much! It's not like you're never going to have those emotions again, but it will be so different.

    I think that terror and happiness go together sometimes. I experienced them together in law school. I loved law school and it wasn't b/c of the impossible amount of reading assigned. I love that you're experiencing a similar time in your life!

    LOVE YOU :)