surrender 2012

So I've been writing rough drafts of this mentally since last Wednesday and have just yet to actually write it.  And come to think of it, now that I sit down (actually I'm laying in bed) to write it, I do not even know what I wanted to say.

Welp, here it is...I have a confession: I don't like New Year's resolutions.  I could go on about that but I don't really need to, it's beside the point.  I think they are an attempt at change and usually given up pretty quickly.  Ok I said something, but that will be it.  Moving along, I do like the idea of a theme for the year.  Insert my title.  I should have done a different title and done a drum roll to reveal.  Oh well...I digress.  So my first semester of grad school had the theme of giving up control.  I didn't know I had/needed a theme for it until after but it was CLEARLY there.  Honestly, I think I did a pretty good job at it once I finally did loosen the reins a bit (read God changed my heart).  Yet, little did I realize what a constant 'loosening of the reins' this was going to be.  Hence my theme for this year.  For such a laid back person, I LIKE CONTROL.  That should come as no surprise really because anyone that is reading this also likes control a whole lot.  I had a nice long conversation with my supervisor at Wellspring about control and she was saying that almost every action we as humans take is out of a desire for control.  When I really started to think about that I realized how right she was.  Here I was complaining explaining a particularly annoying conversation with a girl about her refusal to do something that was probably epic in importance and all the while my supervisor is chuckling at the irony of my annoyance at not being able to control her when she was just trying to control the situation.  Counseling sucks is awesome sometimes.  Gosh I have a love/dislike relationship with supervision too.  Moving on...

I was at a worship night last week when I realized (i.e. God showed me) what I needed to do.  And you know what I said to the Almighty one? "I don't wannnnna!" Yes that happened, like a 4 year old.  I did follow it up with "Ok, I know...help me."  So that happened a week ago, and it has been a conscious effort DAILY to do that, to even begin the process of beginning the process.  Cause you know what I do?  I try to surrender...that doesn't even make sense now does it?  I don't need to try!  Have I learned nothing?  That is not true, I have learned an immense amount.  The fact of the matter is...surrendering is hard. period.  And I don't think when 2012 is over I will say, "Oh what a nice theme, glad I got that taken care of this year, moving right along to the next task on making myself better."  What a lovely dialog that would be with myself though.  The point is...I know that I will always have an immediate tendency to manage/control things, people, and situations but God is patient and awesome and loves me like woah.  He's got this.

My other supervisor told me today that it seemed like I was digging my heels in about making a change, completely unrelated to this whole surrender thing (hello raw comment).  It is clearly spilling out all over my life and all these counselor types are just calling me out!  I don't want to dig my heels in...I want to surrender dangit.

Here is what I do know.  There is a lot of change on the horizon and I am not in control.  God has plans and His plans are so much better than anything I could dream of, I trust and know that completely.  So therefore even though this year holds a lot of uncertainty for me after I graduate, it also holds a range of possibilities for how I can be used by God post graduate school.  The thought of that just makes me get all tingly inside (with definite hints of anxious-but I quickly subdue those faulty cognitions).  I could just jump up and down with excitement over that lil thought!

Phew....sigh of relief, got that out.