A New Year

So I woke up today with the feeling that I wanted to write a blog and I wasn't even sure what I wanted to write.  It's been about 6 months since I last wrote and I wouldn't even know where to begin honestly.  At the same time, I felt that if I waited much longer before writing then there would be an inordinate amount of pressure for whenever I posted for it to be just super awesome.  So with that in mind, I decided to go ahead and write.

Here's the thing...there are so many things that have happened in the last 6 months that I want to write about and yet I can't seem to find the words to say or describe them in a way that would convey how life changing they have been or to trivialize what it has meant to me.  I have learned so much about myself, and my capacity to love, listen, manage, and be present.  In the same way, I have learned an enormous amount about what I am not capable of and what I need to give up to God.  This has been the most challenging and stressful time of my life and yet I would not change a bit of the learning I have done about myself.

I will break this down to two quick sections on where my heart is at this time...

So my internship at Wellspring has been the best and most intense thing I have ever dealt with.  Through this experience I have learned how much I have a heart for this line of work and these girls that I deal with on a weekly basis.  There are stories that have changed and shaped me in ways that I'm not even sure I will ever fully know the extent of.  These girls who I work with are not the easiest by any definition of the word, and yet I love them like crazy.  The similarities of how that's just like God and I is not lost on me.  I am not the easiest to love at times and yet he loves me all the same.  It's just too much, but that is quite another post.  In the spirit of full disclosure though, I definitely had a hard time adjusting to the stressors and pressure of being there.  I cried every car ride either to or from the home and I just had no idea how to deal with my emotions with it.  I have learned some powerful things from this experience and it is not even over but I will just list a few.  I have learned that I am good with adolescents and I know how to connect with people, I just need to work on my confidence in believing that.  I have learned that God is in control, like REALLY in control.  He is so present and there all the time and I could not have made it this far without him.  I have learned that my actual loving presence in the room with the girls is better than any amount of "therapeutic skills" that I think I need to do.  I have learned just how deceptive the enemy is and how I need to be on guard against that.  Fear is not my friend...and I don't roll like that.

The second state of my heart goes a little something like this...I had been having some minor freak out's as of late about what on earth I was going to do once I graduated.  It was that whole fear thing again (boo) and I couldn't wrap my head around it and get it together honestly.  At some point during my day today that changed.  Not to say that I am completely without some anxiety of what is to come, but for the first time I can definitely say that I am looking forward to what is to come after graduation.  And you wanna know why?  Well, something that I have known intellectually all along but just hadn't managed to convey to the heart was that God always has me.  God has bigger plans for me than what I might even plan for myself, and while I am "making plans" for after graduation, I am not worried about what will happen because I am really giving up control and being anxious about what that might look like.  It's a waste of time to worry about that sort of thing and I am over doing that.  I was with a friend today getting yofo and had a nice conversation about all these things and just how easy it is to get caught up on what is due or needed right this second and to forget how God provides for his children.  He just does.  All that being said...I am so stoked for this last semester of grad school.  I have been beyond blessed with the most amazing group of friends from this school who know and love me and that was a totally unexpected joy that has come from this 2 year adventure.  They are consistent and loyal (anyone who knows me def knows those are my top two favorite qualities).  On top of that I have been learning so much about who I am and how God sees me.  I mean really what more could someone ask for?  It's really too much at times honestly but geez louise what do I have to complain about.

That all wasn't that short but I think that was a good start for the new year for sure.  So here is to starting this new year off right and learning how to do self care better!