Wednesday, January 5, 2011

something tells me you're too scared

I know what made me think about this but that's another story in itself that I don't want to go into, but I was thinking the other day about an exercise we did in Dr. D's class about what we look for in relationships and what we actually get. The striking thing about the exercise was that the things that we don't like/look for ARE actually things that we look for in one way or another. Whether subconsciously or not, it's there. It's true...even though I don't like it, it is true. As if there was any other way in which things happen, I know that they happen at just the right time. I think that God probably just laughs while people (myself included) just go about "making things happen" and he is probably chuckling because he knew that was going to happen from the very beginning. This isn't supposed to get off on a free will tangent, but I'll go ahead and say that I obviously believe in the free will that is given to us. But, I also know that God knows everything so he knows what we are going to decide to do. That's all I mean by the previous statements. But anyways...back to what I was talking about. I have been on a see-saw of feelings lately. What I mean by that is that I have contradicting emotions about the same thing. It's like things that make me very happy can also make me sad/angry/mad at the same time and I'm like how is that even possible. I literally think it is an adult issue that I'm having. I never used to have varying feelings about the same thing. It was always generally one category of emotions and now it's like I can like something and also be irritated, annoyed, angry at it. So many things have been floating through my head as of late. Call it the month off, the therapy, the books I'm reading, people I'm around/talk to, or just life. I miss Africa everyday...that feels like an obvious statement, and yet I feel disconnected from COL because 'my' baby isn't there anymore. I love the convenience of America and am sickened by my love of it. See where I am going with this? I like Atlanta, and yet am so happy to be getting to go somewhere overseas so quickly after Africa. Especially where I am going! I am all set to go to India in about 50 days. My heart literally hurts I am so ready/excited about it. Who am I kidding though, my heart has been hurting for things a lot lately. Another example of contrary, I used to never like it when my heart hurt, and while I don't quite enjoy the feeling, I treasure it. I love knowing that I feel so strongly about makes me feel alive. It's like having the feeling of knowing I was always meant to feel like this and just never did. I don't know if that makes sense...but I guess the important thing is that is does in my head. There is the possibility of new things coming, but I won't speak of them until they are true or close to being true. So until then...another promise

But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. Psalm 3:3

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